Have you ever considered how precarious the adjective adult is? Add the words film, movie, or superstore and you better not be talking at work. But adult beverage is safe—unless you are drinking it at work—and I want to sing the praises of the low-cal gin and tonic to you. Making a G&T is pretty easy but the most important thing, as with all fine cooking, is to start with only the freshest ingredients, which in this case means limes. None of that lime juice in a jug. Also you should use the best vodka you can afford. Should that vodka come from a 2-liter plastic bottle you might want to double the fresh limes or just go ahead and drink the vodka from the bottle.
Begin with a low-ball glass with three or four ice cubes. We use Tervis Tumblers® with the logo of our beloved Seminoles, but it could just as well be a pelican, Auburn’s Autobot logo (c’mon, that’s what it looks like), or even a gator head without affecting the taste too much. The important thing is the size of the glass. You don’t want a tall one because this is a diet beverage and too much of that no-cal tonic water and all you taste is quinine and saccharine. In writing, saccharine is a synonym for something overly sweet, but on the tongue saccharine is a zombie bearing only a passing resemblance to sugar. You don’t want too much saccharine any more than you want a zombie cloying his way into your stomach. [There is a really funny joke in there—not a typo—for the wordsmith in your life, in case you missed it.]
Cut the lime and squeeze both halves over the ice, then measure the ounce and a half of vodka. We use one of those shot-glass shaped measuring cups, a drinking instrument masquerading as a cooking implement with all those tablespoon lines giving the vessel a veneer of respectability. You can leave it out on the counter and tell the neighbors you were just measuring olive oil. Super handy.
Lastly add the diet tonic water. We use Schweppes because we like to imagine how people might add an R to that name the way we are often called Shribe. Sure-weps? It really doesn’t work. Really we use Schweppes because it is available at our store, but it doesn’t matter which brand as long as the bottle is unopened. You don’t want a flat G&T, which brings me to the last instruction: do not stir! The bubbles are the stirring, naturally combining the undead tonic water, the fresh lime, and the most expensive vodka you can afford into one effervescent, refreshing adult beverage that’s only 3 points on Weight Watchers, in case you missed it. If you stir you pop all the bubbles. Now it’s time to sip and enjoy or save time and pour directly on your couch.
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